This Valentine’s Day, meet the movie romances doomed to be forever single — single-digit on the Tomatometer, precisely! From annoying YouTube people to Paris Hilton, from stalkers to acting bad enough to steam a 1912 Renault: Here’s 24 movies with central romances that got less than 10% on Rotten Tomatoes.
(2002, 0%) Killing Me Softly
Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes stalk their way into each others hearts, with bonus garnish of an incest subplot.
(1991, 0%) Return to the Blue Lagoon
Forever young, forever ridiculous, while lacking the original’s total prurience and chuckles that gave the 1970s its last guilty pleasure.
(2010, 0%) Fred: The Movie
Hyperactive human mouth wrinkle Fred (YouTube’s Lucas Cruikshank) embarks on a high-pitched quest for popularity and the affections of Judy, who he wants to get with and together — cue innuendo jazz hands — “sing.”
(1999, 0%) The Last Seduction II
Femme fatale Bridget flees to Barcelona to bilk another business guy all unsuspecting-like with leg flashes and bad dialogue. Starring Joan Severance in the role vacated by Linda Fiorentino who probably tired of playing ’90s Miss Sexpot America.
(2004, 1%) Twisted
A promicious cop (Ashley Judd) gets what’s coming to her after banging apparently every available guy in the greater San Francisco metropolitan area in Slut Shamer: The Motion Picture.
(2000, 3%) Down To You
Where would the world be without a Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles movie from the late ’90s? Suncoast may have gone bankrupt one day earlier.
(1996, 3%) Mr. Wrong
A cynical debunking of the American rom-com starring Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman, neither of whom are directed here towards a watchable movie.
(1997, 3%) Speed 2: Cruise Control
Sandy, see what happens when you leave Keanu for Jason Patric in a Hawaiian shirt? You get Speed 2: Cruise Control, and Keanu makes . It’s not a good look for anyone.
The Last Time I Committed Suicide
(2010, 3%) Passion Play
Mickey Rourke’s post- Wrestler clout gets the fatal chair to the face in grossly overwrought Passion Play, featuring Megan Fox growing wings out of her back as love interest/freak show attraction, with an appearance by big angel pimpin’ Bill Murray.
(1992, 4%) Cool World
Ever come across a cave drawing you just had to lick off the walls? Those normal feelings are transmuted into Cool World, starring Brad Pitt as a real human being who must fight his throbbing biological urges to sex it with a doodle.
(2008, 4%) The Hottie and the Nottie
Kudos to the makeup team in rendering Christine Lakin so inhuman, her face is like a dead end in the uncanny valley. But the story is really about Joel David Moore (J.P. from Grandma’s Boy) who, after dating Paris Hilton, learns a lesson: ‘Beauty really is skin-deep…and that’s OK with me.’
(2002, 4%) Serving Sara
Matthew Perry’s movie career gets served right back again, as Elizabeth Hurley barely puts up a performance as she passes the 90 minutes wondering why they couldn’t get Joey for this.
(2007, 5%) Good Luck Chuck
Dane Cook’s likability gets pushed to the big screen limit as God’s gift to women: He’ll help you find happiness away from him but only if you sleep with him (because of the implications), and he’ll go as far as denying Jessica Alba bridgeway to his drawers if that’s what it takes damn it.
(2002, 5%) Swept Away
Madonna’s affair with director Guy Ritchie spills onto screen with Adrianno Giannini, and critics were swept aw– ..sorry, critics wept away at Madonna’s wooden performance like so much salted beach flotsam, presented with all the raw power of a soaked sandcastle.
(2003, 6%) Gigli
The movie that destroyed celebrity relationship nicknames forever (we wish), the holy beast Bennifer was here split in twain by the machinations of romantic comedy, curled on the floor releasing one final bray to heaven: “Gobble, gobble.”
(1993, 6%) Body of Evidence
What! Madonna again? The ‘suits and hormones’ craze of the late ’80s/early ’90s gets the gavel with the guilty Madonna as a woman who may have murdered her husbands for millions, and Willem Dafoe as the man who falls for her (who happens to be her lawyer) (in space).
(2009, 7%) All About Steve
The first new movie audiences could see post- Hangover after realizing we all loved Bradley Cooper was All About Steve, where he plays a news cameraman chased by rainboots-in-sunny-weather Sandra Bullock, in character as someone so aberrantly Hollywood-quirky they ought’ve put the Joker ‘damaged’ forehead tattoo on her.
(2001, 7%) Glitter
All that glitters is not gold, neither turned-on microphones: Mariah Carey warbles her way to the top, along the way fulfilling every young girl’s dream of one day meeting a guy named Dice.
(2007, 7%) License to Wed
So the two of you met, started a relationship, moved in, and got ready to get married before now meeting wacky schmackadoo Robin Williams and his grueling marriage prep course of pastorly punishments? Obviously somewhere along the way, Jesus has taken offense to your coupling.
(2006, 7%) Basic Instinct 2
Basic Instinct 2 trades the original’s sleaze-noir hot hues and steam for London’s overcast clouds and spotted dick: David Morrissey stars as the next pawn in Sharon Stone’s wordsmith witch game.
(2007, 9%) Norbit
Nerd Eddie Murphy in love with fat Eddie Murphy with yellowface Eddie Murphy presiding? We don’t call it ‘Oscar-nominated Norbit‘ lightly!
(2003, 9%) Marci X
Lisa Kudrow is Jewish brat Marci and Damon Wayans the esteemed recording artist Dr. Snatchcatcher in a fish-out-of-water romantic comedy that sets back progress, just overall progress, decades back.
(1999, 9%) The Bachelor
Chris O’Donnell and Renee Zellweger are no match for each other, and no match to elevate this story about a dude who stands to inherit $100 million if he marries in 24 hours.
(2001, 9%) Say It Isn’t So
What! Heather Graham again? Yes, she plays sister to brother Chris Klein, who finds out they may be related six months deep into a relationship. Another skewed take on the rom-com from producers Brothers du Farrelly, who begin their long hellish descent to Movie 43 here.