Total Recall

Total Recall: Hail to the Chiefs!

We pick our favorite big-screen Oval Office inhabitants.

by RT Staff | October 15, 2008

With the presidential race
getting down to the wire, and Oliver Stone’s long-awaited
W. hitting
theaters this week, we at RT thought it would be the perfect time to present
you, the electorate, with a list of some of our favorite movie presidents. So
register to vote, hum “Hail to the Chief” to yourself, and check out our ode to
the finest in cinematic statecraft.

more info…	Merkin Muffley Appears in: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964, 100% Tomatometer) Played by: Peter Sellers Why we’d vote for him: He’ll excel at foreign relations, deftly ameliorating international crises to keep the peace, then turning right around and destroying populations just to remind everyone who’s in charge.

more info…	Jordan Lyman Appears in: Seven Days in May (1964, 100%) Played by: Fredric March Why we’d vote for him: In the movies, presidents act with integrity and are respected accordingly. Not so in the superior Cold War thriller Seven Days in May, in which a commander in chief makes a gutsy geopolitical move — an arms-control pact with the Soviets — and risks a military takeover for his trouble.

more info…	President Skroob Appears in: Spaceballs (1987, 56%) Played by: Mel Brooks Why we’d vote for him: He looks pretty good even when his head is on backwards, and he’s survived a self-destructing spacecraft, which means he’ll not only be very TV-friendly, but there’s also not much our enemies can hurl at him that he won’t be able to recover from.

more info…	Abraham Lincoln Appears in: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989, 84%) Played by: Robert V. Barron Why we’d vote for him: Along with figures like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Joan of Arc, Abe is whisked from the past to contribute to a high school history project. As the capper to Bill and Ted’s memorable presentation, Lincoln vastly improves his Gettysburg Address for the knuckleheads of San Dimas High School: “Be excellent to each other… and party on, dudes!”

more info…	Thomas “Tug” Benson Appears in: Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993, 63%) Played by: Lloyd Bridges Why we’d vote for him: I’m just going to come right out and say it. We would be foolish not to put this man in office, based on his plan for Iraq alone: fly our enemies and their families to Minnesota and teach them all how to skate.

more info…	Dave Kovic Appears in: Dave (1993, 97%) Played by: Kevin Kline Why we’d vote for him: Bill Mitchell? We probably wouldn’t vote for him. But Dave Kovic as his look-alike stand in? Who wouldn’t? Dave’s got charisma and integrity, he loves kids, he’s got chemistry with the first lady, and he carved an impressive $650 million out of the budget to save a homeless shelter. Sounds like a winner to us.

more info…	James Dale Appears in: Mars Attacks! (1996, 49%) Played by: Jack Nicholson Why we’d vote for him: Dale’s optimism (“Why can’t we all just get along?”) and cheerleading (“I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad”) recalls President Taft’s golden era of lazy pacifism. Now all he needs is a gnarly walrus mustache.

more info…	Thomas Whitmore Appears in: Independence Day (1996, 63%) Played by: Bill Pullman Why we’d vote for him: Not only can Whitmore improvise a killer speech to rally the troops, his similarly hands-on approach of flying an F-18 Hornet against alien scum is the first time a president has led combat in over 150 years.

more info…	James Marshall Appears in: Air Force One (1997, 78%) Played by: Harrison Ford Why we’d vote for him: Marshall’s refusal to negotiate with terrorists would serve him well in today’s political climate. Also, what’s a better campaign slogan than “Get Off My Plane”?

more info…	President Lindberg Appears in: The Fifth Element (1997, 69%) Played by: Tommy “Tiny” Lister Why we’d vote for him: Not only does he know how to delegate responsibility effectively (he commissions the heroic Korben Dallas to dispose of the ultimate Evil), but really, look at the guy. Would you mess with him? Yeah, neither would we.

more info…	Tom Beck Appears in: Deep Impact (1998, 44%) Played by: Morgan Freeman Why we’d vote for him: He’s articulate, good with the press, spiritual, and full of bite-sized chunks of wisdom. Oh, and he helped us avoid complete and utter extinction once.

more info…	“The President” Appears in: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999, 54%) Played by: Tim Robbins Why we’d vote for him: His extreme measures would make for some interesting CNN segments; after Dr. Evil sets up a moon base, the president starts itching to make contact with Earth’s single natural satellite with a nuke.

more info…	Mays Gilliam Appears in: Head of State (2003, 29%) Played by: Chris Rock Why we’d vote for him: Clearly, Gilliam’s long-held policy of “no sex in the champagne room” would make him a fair but just official.

more info…	“The President” Appears in: Love Actually (2003, 64%) Played by: Billy Bob Thornton Why we’d vote for him: This president appeals to both party tickets. His cowboy demeanor mirrors Dubya’s, while his sleazy come-ons to the British officials will ring true for Clinton admirers and other horny Democrats.

more info…	Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Comacho Appears in: Idiocracy (2006, 72%) Played by: Terry Crews Why we’d vote for him: Political junkies have long argued what experience is ideal for a president. Governorship? A senatorial career? In Idiocracy President Camacho followed a different path to the White House; prior to occupying the Oval Office, he was a six-time Smackdown champion and legendary porn star. Though his administration is plagued by famine, base desires, and general dystopia, Camacho’s State of the Union address is pretty lively, filled with profanity-laden tirades and gunplay.

more info…	Arnold Schwarzenegger Appears in: The Simpsons Movie (2007, 90%) Played by: Harry Shearer Why we’d vote for him: His pragmatic approach to field knowledge (from what we gathered, “knowing stuff is overrated”) would get rid of pesky external factors like “doubt” and “comprehension” when planning wars and disaster scenarios.

more info…	George Walker Bush Appears in: Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008, 54%) Played by: James Adomian Why we’d vote for him: General voters say Bush looks like a dude you can share a beer with. Turns out he’s also not above partaking in a quality smoke sesh. As modern-day heroes Harold and Kumar will attest, having a hazy diplomatic discussion of civil rights and daddy issues is routine for this tortuously funny administration.

Still feeling patriotic? Check out our

Bill of Rights-influenced Total Recall. Or
click here
for the full column archive.

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