Still reeling from the news that two of Hollywood’s biggest players — family entertainment behemoth Disney and comic book studio empire Marvel — have been united in a buyout said to be worth $4 billion? With movies’ unquenchable desire for franchises, sequels, reboots and reimaginings, the possibilities for unholy crossover product boggle the mind — so, naturally, we took things to their silliest conclusion and imagined 10 movies you’re likely never going to see emerge from this historic movie union. Or at least we hope they won’t. Perhaps we shouldn’t have eaten that block of cheese from the back of the fridge before turning out the light…
X-Men Origins: Mickey
Tagline: M.I.C.-K.E.Y. MUTANT-.O.U.S.E!
The first Disney-Marvel blockbuster is a dark tale that begins after our hero’s terrible river accident — caused by his idiotic whistling and random wheel spinning — has left Steamboat Willie near death. Rescued by mad-genius Rotwang, who’s touring the US to promote Metropolis, he’s given an elasto-adamantium skeleton and tuned into indestructible, ageless Mickey Mouse. Recruited by the army after a brutal pants-off, guts-out examination, he’s thrown ears-first into combat against the Cats.
Haunted by what he’s seen and done, Mickey spends decades posing as a light-hearted goofball and endures the chaste affections of boring-ass Minnie and dumb-ass sidekick Goofy. But when Disney World is terrorized by the “furball murders” and Black Cat appears on the scene, Mickey’s sense of adventure and long-dormant libido are stirred. But is she really through with Spider-man? Is she a killer working for villainous Pete? In X-Men Origins: Goofy we’ll learn that Pete and Goofy are one and the same — and they’re actually… cats.
Tagline: The Circle of DEATH
Tony Stark, still guilt-ridden about his arms-dealing to Africa, ventures to the Serengeti to set things to rights. Utilizing a new hybrid suit that camouflages him as the King of Beasts, he turns his attentions first to poachers, then to Somali pirates and finally to bringing lasting peace to Darfur. Having achieved justice through vast amounts of morally questionable bloodshed, Tony is understandably traumatised. Fortunately, he is able to return to the loving embrace of Pepper Potts and confess his true feelings for her. Unfortunately, in a post-credit sequence, he discovers that she has taken up vast amounts of Stark Industries’ server space with her inane GOOP proclamations, including a recipe for “Delightfully Creamy Elephant Tusk Soup”. In a rage, beats her to death with a bundle of organic leeks.
Tagline: Beak Afraid, Beak Very Afraid
This buddy-cop comedy employs three of Marney-Disvel’s most underutilized properties as cynical, wisecracking Howard the Duck, now a Detroit detective, heads to Beverly Hills to investigate the disappearance from all forms of media of his old human love interest, Lea Thompson. There he’s forced to team up with Donald Duck, spluttering by-the-book beak cop. The investigations of these bickering featherbrains into fowl-play unveil a sinister conspiracy headed up by the now mutated Mighty Ducks. Will possibly be sold in foreign territories on this angle as X-D-4: The Mighty Mutant Ducks.
The Little Merblade
Tagline: Blood Is Thicker Than Seawater
This, ahem, ‘reimagining’ returns to the dark roots of Hans Christian Andersen’s original story, which was replete with pain, tragedy, intimations of blood sacrifice and dissolution by dawn. This time Kristen Stewart is the sea babe who falls in love with a human prince (R-Pat, natch) and gives her all to be with him — only to discover he’s a vampire. Pissed that he’s turned her into a hybrid mermaid-bloodsucker, she stakes his ass and then dons sunglasses to continue her quest for vengeance against the undead. Tragically, she’s unable to resist the lure of delicious mammal-seabeast blood and stops in at The Cove for some dolphin refreshment, where she’s harpooned by angry Greenpeace activists.
Beverly Hills Wolverine
Tagline: 50% Mutant. 50% Lover. 100% Wolverine.
Brain-damaged and on the road again, Wolverine arrives in Beverly Hills where, mistaken for a new elite breed of status pet, he’s adopted by a vapid heiress, played by Paris Hilton. While at Sparky’s Pet Salon, getting highlights in his muttonchops, mauve claw polish and a simply darling Christian Audigier outfit, Wolverine — now known as Woo-Woo — picks up a copy of Dog & Kennel magazine and sees in its pages a photo of Silver Fox on a Baja beach. A violent flashback ensues, followed by him tearing Paris to pieces and heading to Mexico to rescue his beloved bitch.
Honey, I Shrunk the Hulk
Tagline: The Incredible Shrinking Mad!
Neither Hulk movie has made much of an impact, despite the green guy getting bigger and over the installments. Answer? Go smaller and take a leaf from Fast & Furious by getting the original gang back together and play to their comic strengths. In this one, rambling nutjob Nick Nolte — played in an astonishing, gritty career comeback by erstwhile uber-nerd Rick Moranis — tries to reverse the Hulk process but only succeeds in making Eric Bana tiny. Thus, the new catchline, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m… aggggh, Dad, it’s A BEE!” Having survived such insect indignity, pissed-off mini-Hulk causes all sorts of problems for Nick by messing with his life. “Officers, it wasn’t the drugs or alcohol, I swear, it was my six-inch monster son throwing the SUV into reverse!” Nick screams when pulled over by the LAPD. Needless to say, he’s booked, only to suffer further embarrassment when he discovers micro-Hulk has teased his hair out for the mugshot. When this one makes $85m first weekend, Disney-Marvel will no doubt greenlight Honey, I Blew Up the Ant-Man.
Hannah Montana: Captain America
Tagline: She has the best of both worlds… now she has to save one.
Let’s face it, with the U.S. struggling economically and discredited in its foreign policy, selling Captain America to the world is gonna be an uphill battle. Even that other quintessentially American action-figure had to be reconfigured for G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra so that the name became an acronym for Global Idiocy Justified for Overseas Export, or some such thing. So why not take a different tack and cast Miley Cyrus in the role? She still appeals to tween girls — who care not about GFC and Iraq — and older male audiences — ditto — would certainly take an interest in seeing her in skintight red, white and blue. Miley — whose birthname, Destiny Hope, makes her born to superheroine status — is already a natural at the double identity thing and her Bolt and Hannah Montana: The Movie had a combined worldwide gross of nearly $500m.
The Thor in the Stone
Tagline: Sometimes It’s Wrong To Pull It.
Will Ferrell is Thor, bumbling Norse man-child God, who finds himself transported by Zeus to… medieval England! He falls from the sky and lands his ass in a briar patch, which causes him to strip down to his underpants and announce himself to bewildered peasants in a hilarious scene where he shouts, “I’m Thor! Oh my God I’m so Thor I could eat Bigfoot’s dick!” Soon after, he learns of the Sword in the Stone, which can only be removed by the Rightful King of England. Using his mighty strength, Thor easily plucks it out — and takes the Crown. Which leaves Michael Cera’s Arthur — aka Wart-peen — to try to insinuate his way into King Thor’s Court and prove himself worthy of the throne — via series of humiliating tasks that include, but are not limited to, tongue kissing a leper and firing himself out of a catapult and into a dragon’s anus.
That Darn Shadowcat!
Tagline: Juno Nothing About Heroes!
Like a hipster comic Watchmen, this explores what it’d really like to be a superhero — and a teenage mutant girl at that. Ellen Page reprises her Kitty Pryde role in this script by Diablo Cody that sees her back at home with her mother (Hayley Mills) and vexing her with her quips — “I’m foshizz a mutizzle” — and those crazy midnight walk-through-walls for a Sunny-D fix shenanigans. But when she gets knocked up by her boyfriend (Michael Cera, again) she realizes it’s time to get serious about self-assertion and, in keeping with Marvel’s foregrounding, runs for President on the “Silencio Old Man” ticket. Of course, after she wins, Nightcrawler comes calling.
Tagline: Don’t Give Up… Okay, Do.
Disney’s Miramax return to their Oscar-baiting best in this sad, post-apocalyptic tale in which a little once-human robot named STANL-EE is left behind on Earth, his contributions to the history of entertainment having been plundered by the evil corporate overlords now floating fat and content and mindless many light years way. His task? To clean up the billions upon billions of discarded junk toys associated with long-forgotten films with ridiculous titles like That Darn Shadowcat, X-Men Origins: Mickey and The Thor and the Stone. One day, combing the detritus of such a bankrupt mega-meta-world, he encounters a toy that’s never even been opened. It’s a STANL-EE. And he powers down, forever.