He lives in a pineapple under the sea, but this weekend, Nickelodeon’s favorite invertebrate in trousers will emerge from the ocean to the delight of children everywhere. Critics say The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water is funny and should satisfy the faithful, but probably won’t win any new converts. In his second trip to the big screen, SpongeBob SquarePants (voiced by Tom Kenny) and his familiar cohorts are engaged in a war with Mr. Krabs’ (Clancy Brown) rival when the secret Krabby Patty recipe is stolen. Now they must pay a visit to the surface world and confront an evil pirate (Antonio Banderas) to retrieve it. The pundits say The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water is gleefully zany and packed with goofy gags, even if it all feels a bit familiar and calculated to appeal to existing fans.
No one can deny that Andy and Lana Wachowski have a certain flair for eye-popping spectacle, and according to critics, their latest sci-fi effort, Jupiter Ascending, is no exception; if only they had developed a more cohesive story to frame all those pretty visuals. Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter Jones, a sad, unlucky janitor who discovers she’s intergalactic royalty when an alien bounty hunter (Channing Tatum) swoops into her life to whisk her into space. Jupiter soon finds herself thrust in the middle of an alien sibling power struggle, with her life and the fate of the Earth hanging in the balance. The pundits say Jupiter Ascending is a marvel to behold on the big screen, but its muddled narrative fails to match the execution of its impressive special effects. (Check out this week’s 24 Frames gallery of epic sci-fi films.)
Even Oscar contenders (and winners) star in a dud every once in a while, but rarely is the failure as epic as Seventh Son, a supernatural fantasy that critics say strands its capable cast in a flashy but derivative and exceedingly dull battle between good and evil. Jeff Bridges stars as Master Gregory, a witch-hunting knight who takes on farmboy Tom Ward (Ben Barnes) as a new apprentice when Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), the sinister sorceress he once imprisoned, escapes and decides to unleash her vengeance upon the world. Will Gregory train his new pupil quickly enough to battle the forces of dark magic effectively? The pundits say Seventh Son is full of sound and fury that signifies nothing, topped by a couple of silly performances from otherwise first-class actors, and the final result is far more lifeless than it should be. (Check out this week’s Total Recall, in which we look back at Bridges’ 10 best-reviewed films.)
Finally, props to Andrew LaPlant and Alex Meyer for coming the closest to The Loft‘s 10 percent Tomatometer.