(or The Wild Life Robinson Crusoe as its known elsewhere in the world) swings into theaters this Friday, delivering a well-worn tale told from the perspective of the animals whose island sanctuary shatters with the arrival of a shipwrecked human. Set your survival instincts to “purrr” because this week’s gallery in a bottle marks the spot for 24 more stranded island movies!
(2000, 90%) Cast Away
Tom Hanks is Chuck, a virtuous FedEx employee who — even when stranded on a remote island with no hope of rescue — refuses to open mail packages (they go over this in the daily meeting). For the role, Hanks decultivated mass and grew a beard which was used to trawl the awards season depths, coming up with a Golden Globe.
(2000, 86%) Battle Royale
Under things Japanese high school students look forward to, no one ever checks off ‘the island retreat.’ That’s because their totalitarian state sends these kids packing with deadly tracking devices and weapons used to kill each other before time runs out as a way of scaring the population in check.
(2016, 66%) Swiss Army Man
A new age allegory of modern living, that we are all on our own desert islands and that it takes a bloated farting white guy to lead us to the light between oceans.
(1980, 11%) The Blue Lagoon
Two precious Hollywood babes, stranded from the Benetton model ad where they once lived, play maroonees on an island with no clothes and nothing to do and decades before the internet. They sit down to play cribbage while patiently awaiting rescue.
(1991, 0%) Return to the Blue Lagoon
Sometimes They Lagoon…Again! Now starring Milla Jovovich.
(1998, 36%) Six Days, Seven Nights
Opposite personalities Harrison Ford and Anne Heche are brought closer together when a thunderstorm forces Ford to crashland on a South Asian island with a pirate problem.
(1994, 53%) No Escape
It’s survival of the grungiest in this sci-fi thriller, where unstable crook Ray Liotta is purged to a lawless jail island.
(1993, 93%) Jurassic Park
Isla Nublar: The island’s big, but so are the fauna. Though we hear Isla Sorna is nice this time of year.
When will the people learn??
(1979, 95%) Escape From Alcatraz
Off the coast of San Francisco, Clint Eastwood arrives at the maximum security prison run by the ironically cast (assuming you’ve seen The Prisoner) Patrick McGoohan. Not digging the accommodations, Eastwood carves out an an exit plan.
(2007, 15%) The Condemned
If Battle Royale and Beyond Thunderdome had a bald American baby, this would be it. 10 prisoners are plucked from deep within the bowels of our justice system and thrown onto an island, where they’ll fight to death for our broadcast amusement.
Italian video nasty produced at the height of the ’70s/’80s cannibal craze, starring George Eastman as a ouroboros-y maniac who terrorizes tourists on his remote island.
(2011, 73%) Retreat
Cillian Murphy and Thandie Newton are on their isolated retreat when they’re interrupted by the uninvited but equally good-looking Jamie Bell. Things go south when Bell claims to be military and that a virus is currently ravaging the planet, refusing to let either leave the island.
(1997) Robinson Crusoe
The Wild Life is the first Crusoe adaptation in twenty years — that’s how long it’s taken technology to catch up with Pierce Brosnan’s chest hair.
(1980, 40%) The Island
Between this and Jaws 4: The Revenge, Michael Caine needed to stay the hell away from large bodies of water during the ’80s.
(2012, 43%) Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
But, alas, one never learns: Caine was roped into another adventure island romp decades later with Dwayne Johnson, Josh Hutcherson, and Vanessa Hudgens.
Peculiar Japanese horror film of giant island mushrooms who mutate their victims. Nearly banned in its country for makeup evoking the survivors’ scars of the WWII atomic bombings.
(2002, 5%) Swept Away
A comedic adventure originally written/directed by Oscar-nominee Lina Wertmuller, later remade by Guy Ritchie starring wife Madonna as a way to destroy your marriage on-screen.
(1960, 80%) Swiss Family Robinson
A family makes the most of it when they’re run off the seas by pirates and shipwrecked on a sustainable, tree house-zoned island. The most famous adaptation of the 1812 Johann David Wyss novel, produced by noted public domain pillagers Disney.
(1996, 22%) Island of Dr. Moreau
Starring Val Kilmer and late-period Marlon Brando in an infamously troubled production of the H.G. Wells novel, set on a remote island where mankind encounters its greatest enemy: himself. (Just kidding, it’s actually spoiled Hollywood actors refusing to play nice with each other.)
(1980, 40%) The Last Flight of Noah’s Ark
Desperate pilot Elliott Gould and perennial scamp Ricky Schroder are on a B-29 hauling zoo animals across the Pacific when they crash land on an uncharted island. After encountering WWII Japanese holdout soldiers on the island, the newcomers realize the only approach for rescue is flipping the plane over and hitting the seas.
(1932, 100%) The Most Dangerous Game
Joel McCrea and King Kong‘s Fay Wray star in this adaptation of Richard Connell’s famous short story, featuring people on the run and hunted hunted for pleasure on a rich madman’s private oceanic arena.
A young Australian couple take a 10-day isolated retreat in the Great Barrier Reef, only to believe their island may be ocupado after their phones disappear and grave markers show up around their campsite.
(1963, 100%) Lord of the Flies
William Golding’s allegory on human nature (and also maybe about going on a diet and getting LASIK eye surgery) was recreated docudrama style by theatre king Peter Brook.
(1998, 94%) The Truman Show
Sometimes, escape is impossible only in the mind…and the fact a union of actors, producers, directors, and the most evil best boys in the biz are watching and plotting your every move. Born and raised in the island community of Seahaven to a secret 24/7 reality show, Truman Burbank (Jim Carrey) leads a life of product placement-bliss until set malfunctions begin whispering to him that not everything may be as it seems…