Dinosaur zoos are all fun and games until someone gets gobbled up, and in the Jurassic Park series, that happens all too often – or not often enough, depending on your penchant for toothy gore. But of the dozens of humans and dinos who have bitten the dust in Jurassic films over the past 25 years, whose deaths have left the biggest impressions? With Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom set to add to the carnage, we decided to look back – our eyes wide with Spielbergian wonder – at those we’ve lost and the ways we’ve lost them. What are the 15 most giddily gruesome deaths in the four Jurassic Park movies? Read on to find out. And if you don’t agree with us, feel free to chomp into us in the comments.
Martin Ferrero’s Donald Gennaro couldn’t catch a break in Jurassic Park. He was universally despised, and panicked when the T-Rex attacked. (Fair.) He abandoned the kids, but the T-Rex sniffed out his hiding place: the bathroom. Eaten whole off the bowl, Donald’s death was instantaneous, but the ignobility was agonizing.
Only an apex predator with inhuman cunning could have lasted as long as Indominus Rex did in Jurassic World. It survived three hit squads, a raptor attack, and a duel against a battle-hardened T-Rex. Beaten and bloodied, the hybrid beast may have eventually won the day if not for the ever-hungry Mosasaurus.
If you take a job at Jurassic Park, take out a life insurance policy. Hopefully Jophery Brown (played by an actor of the same name) did. While installing the park’s biggest raptor in Jurassic Park, he was caught by the ankle and dragged to a slow, screaming death.
In Jurassic Park, Robert Muldoon, the game warden played by Bob Peck, made a fatal mistake in forgetting how devious the raptors were. Though an expert hunter and trapper, he was lured into a trap just the same. At least he got to growl one hell of an iconic line before being eaten.
The odious Commander Vic Hoskins, played by Vincent D’Onofrio in Jurassic World, should’ve known that weaponizing dinosaurs was a bad idea. That goes double for forgetting an alpha velociraptor’s gender. And that goes triple for offering that same velociraptor your hand. Hoskins was dismembered, mauled, and eaten. It was probably for the best.
Cows get the short end of the stick. Sure, they’re grass-fed, but they mostly end up in the same place – on someone’s plate. Generally, they go instantly at the slaughterhouse, but not so much in Jurassic Park. In the first film, the three raptors take their time with a cow, ripping it to mincemeat while it is still alive.
Richard Schiff played Eddie Carr, The Lost World‘s tech expert, who fought to protect Ian Malcom and Sarah Harding while they gave an infant T-Rex medical attention. Unfortunately, baby Rex’s parents attacked Carr, playing tug of war with him until he was town in two. Hope there was enough to go around.
Jurassic World‘s security team didn’t know what they were dealing with when Indominus Rex escaped. Brian Tee’s Katashi Hamada found out the hard way after blundering into its trap. The Indominus grabbed him, crushing him in its claws before dropping him and stomping him flat. Jurassic World. Life insurance. Get it.
Carter, played by Thomas Rosales Jr., was a poor soldier in The Lost World. First, his inattention led to his teammate being devoured by a pack of Compsognathus. Second, he was a slow runner, which eventually saw him tramped by his teammates and stomped on three times by a T-Rex.
Velociraptors may be the Jurassic Park series’ greatest hunters, but they certainly aren’t invincible. During Jurassic Park‘s kitchen hunt, young Tim tricked one Velociraptor into the freezer and locked the door behind it. When everyone fled the island, the raptor was left to freeze to death. Cold.
In warfare, a “honey pot” is an injured soldier that the enemy uses to bait more allies out of hiding. Micheal Jeter became one such honey pot as Mr. Udesky in Jurassic Park 3, when raptors savage him into screaming for help. When his fellow humans don’t fall for the trick, the raptors snap his neck.
If cloning dinosaurs is a bad idea, taking them to a populated area is a far worse one, something InGen CEO Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard) discovered in The Lost World when he loosed a T-Rex upon San Diego. That same T-rex broke Ludlow’s leg and watched as her baby took its time eating him.
Ingen hunter Dieter Stark, played by Peter Stormare in The Lost World, arrogantly believed a cattle prod would deter a diminutive Compsognathus. He was right. However, It wouldn’t deter a mob of them. He was chased down and eaten alive by what could effectively be called “land piranhas.”
In Jurassic Park, the legendarily sleazy Dennis Nedry, played by Wayne Knight, sabotaged the park to steal genetic samples, and is thus basically responsible for nearly every death on the island. Karma struck early when he was blinded by the venomous spit of a Dilophosaurus and mauled to death by it shortly after.
In Jurassic World‘s most gut-wrenching death, Zara Young (Katie McGrath) gets snatched into the air and fought over by Pteradons, then dropped 15 feet into a water tank, and nearly drowned. Just as a Pteradon recaptures her, a gigantic mosasaurus rises from the depths to devour both of them. Feels a little… much?
So what do you think? Did we “spare no expense” on this list or was it “the worst idea in the long sad history of bad ideas?” Who do you think died the most memorably? Sound off in the comments below!
