Critics Consensus

Critics Consensus: Vampires Suck Bites

Plus, yay to Nanny McPhee Returns and Piranha 3-D, nay to The Switch and Lottery Ticket

by | August 20, 2010 | Comments

This week at the movies, we’ve got a Twilight spoof (Vampires Suck, starring Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter); a magical childminder (Nanny McPhee Returns, starring Emma Thompson and Maggie Gyllenhaal); bloodthirsty fish (Piranha 3D, starring Elisabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell); a baby mixup (The Switch, starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman); and powerball pratfalls (Lottery Ticket, starring Bow Wow and Ice Cube). What do the critics have to say?



[tomatometer]MovieID=771201458[/tomatometer]

Vampires Suck

The critically-reviled spoof-meisters Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer make Uwe Boll look like Akira Kurosawa; for those keeping score at home, their best-reviewed directorial effort thus far is Date Movie, which garnered a robust six percent on the Tomatometer. And critics say their latest, the witless Twilight parody, Vampires Suck, lives down to its title. Jenn Proske stars as Becca Crane (geddit? It’s just like Bella Swan!), who falls for a vampire named Edward Sullen (sounds like Edward Cullen! And he’s mopey!) and an oft-shirtless werewolf; hilarity, in the form of pratfalls and Jersey Shore impersonators, ensues. The pundits say Vampires Suck represents something of an advance for Friedberg and Seltzer — a couple gags are mildly amusing — but otherwise, it’s more of the same, with lame, lazy pop-culture references substituting for actual laughs.



[tomatometer]MovieID=771041878[/tomatometer]

Nanny McPhee Returns

Nanny McPhee is back, and better than ever! At least, so say the critics, who are once again charmed by the snaggletoothed, magic-dispensing domestic savior in Nanny McPhee Returns. Emma Thompson reprises the title role, this time bringing her services to the put-upon Isabel Green (Maggie Gyllenhaal), who is trying to keep her family intact while her husband serves in a far-away war. Naturally, Ms. McPhee restores order to the household, but outside forces still threaten the Greens. The pundits say the Certified Fresh Nanny McPhee Returns is better than its predecessor, thanks to its fine cast and a willfully eccentric, whimsical, intelligent script.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770675849[/tomatometer]

Piranha 3-D

Back in the day, 3D wasn’t employed in the service of big-budget prestige pictures but delightfully disreputable B-movies. And for those of you who’ve been pining for a 3D flick in the tradition of William Castle, wait no more: critics say the giddy, gory Piranha 3-D is a whale of fish tale. This third installment of Roger Corman’s Jaws ripoff stars Elisabeth Shue as a sheriff who must protect her community after a school of prehistoric fish lay waste to spring break revelers partying at the local lake. The pundits say Piranha 3-D is a lot of fun: it’s tongue-in-cheek without succumbing to self parody, and its kills are energetic and inventive.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770810632[/tomatometer]

The Switch

Apparently, artificial insemination and comedy go together like babies and pacifiers — in recent months, we’ve been treated to the Certified Fresh The Kids Are All Right and the less warmly-received The Back-Up Plan. Now comes The Switch, and critics say this mix of raunch and sentiment leaves, ahem, womb for improvement. Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman star as a pair of close friends; seven years ago, after an accident, he replaced the sperm sample she planned to use to get pregnant with his own seed. How will they face the revelation that her kid is really his, too? The pundits say The Switch‘s premise is questionable to begin with, and although the performers do their best, they’re saddled with a surprise-free script that adheres too closely to the romantic comedy playbook.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770863869[/tomatometer]

Lottery Ticket

We’ve all fantasized about winning the lottery, but we tend to avoid thinking about the downside — false friends and tenuous connections looking for a piece of the pie. Unfortunately, critics say Lottery Ticket takes that delicious premise and doesn’t do much with it — despite good intentions and occasional charm, it’s an uneven piece of work. Bow Wow stars as Kevin, an affable Foot Locker employee who buys a lottery ticket that turns out to be worth $370 million. Pretty soon the word gets out, and Kevin must avoid greedy neighbors and local tough guys in order to collect the prize. The pundits say Lottery Ticket has moments of warmth and humor, but it’s ultimately haphazard and devoid of tension. (Check out this week’s Total Recall, in which we run down Ice Cube’s best-reviewed movies.)


Also opening this week in limited release:

  • Army of Crime, a thriller about the early days of the French Resistance in World War II, is at 90 percent.

  • A Film Unfinished, which resurrects (and provides insight into) a long-lost Nazi propaganda film, is at 89 percent.

  • The Tillman Story, a documentary about the inspiring life and untimely death of the footballer-turned-Army Ranger, is at 89 percent.

  • Soul Kitchen, a comedy about a idiosyncratic restaurateur and the eccentrics drawn into his orbit, is at 80 percent.

  • Mao’s Last Dancer, based on the true rags-to-riches tale of a dancer who rose from humble origins, is at 59 percent.

  • Calvin Marshall, a drama about a junior college ballplayer determined to make the majors despite a lack of talent, is at 50 percent.

  • Making Plans for Lena, a drama about a gathering of dysfunctional family members, is at 43 percent.

Tag Cloud

criterion book adaptation cats Crunchyroll Rocky Walt Disney Pictures YA Hallmark Christmas movies 2018 Star Trek renewed TV shows obituary Fall TV MSNBC MCU Grammys Logo Watching Series natural history know your critic Apple Paramount Sci-Fi Legendary HBO Go APB 21st Century Fox AMC hollywood series monster movies Quiz Acorn TV Sundance Now PBS Baby Yoda The Walking Dead HBO The Academy Travel Channel nfl Pixar Broadway New York Comic Con 2021 target mutant animated Countdown Mary Poppins Returns Britbox Opinion GoT Nickelodeon comic book movies 73rd Emmy Awards TV movies sag awards 93rd Oscars ITV SDCC twilight Food Network WarnerMedia Paramount Plus Sneak Peek scary movies X-Men OWN 72 Emmy Awards Television Critics Association ViacomCBS Ellie Kemper Marvel Studios lord of the rings casting Paramount Network hispanic heritage month Podcast cancelled TV shows thriller docudrama richard e. Grant festival BET Awards spanish language DC Universe films E! crossover cartoon space Holidays directors BBC America Marvel Television technology 2020 trailers rotten movies we love slashers Spring TV romance dogs Epix Pacific Islander Universal best ESPN vampires NBC FOX Amazon Lifetime Writers Guild of America Hulu TV renewals jurassic park 007 Animation Spectrum Originals Sony Pictures Sundance adaptation chucky BBC feel good news laika scene in color Endgame romantic comedy mcc DC Comics Film Festival TruTV adventure reboot Tumblr 4/20 ID stop motion 2019 Awards name the review Masterpiece TCA Awards nbcuniversal First Look sitcom Freeform cars universal monsters Shondaland Horror dramedy The Purge halloween YouTube Premium all-time television documentary politics talk show Comics on TV ABC Signature marvel cinematic universe Binge Guide boxing TBS spider-man jamie lee curtis toronto live action archives critic resources screenings Spike Video Games VH1 spy thriller Photos Mary Tyler Moore kong cancelled VICE Pop TV Turner Classic Movies National Geographic french 99% Cannes Arrowverse strong female leads streaming Fox News new star wars movies Western witnail royal family A&E joker TV One Schedule blockbuster emmy awards harry potter international CNN NYCC breaking bad Winter TV anthology Creative Arts Emmys Nominations award winner Ghostbusters fast and furious Tomatazos spanish Netflix Christmas movies kaiju canceled TV shows Set visit DGA true crime basketball Hear Us Out werewolf deadpool Teen pirates of the caribbean Rock crime drama biography james bond saw serial killer USA justice league comics The Walt Disney Company green book what to watch nature NBA Elton John TIFF El Rey robots 45 Mary poppins BET YouTube Ovation police drama biopic indiana jones elevated horror Musicals Sundance TV Cartoon Network sports Christmas reviews Black History Month indie book comic ghosts Avengers Nat Geo 20th Century Fox Disney CW Seed cults facebook posters supernatural stoner hispanic BBC One ratings Interview Cosplay TCA 2017 ABC Apple TV+ japanese Infographic king arthur Classic Film Stephen King christmas movies BAFTA aapi Brie Larson Trivia RT History composers Lifetime Christmas movies YouTube Red Holiday sequels President 78th Annual Golden Globe Awards based on movie Shudder worst movies action-comedy Drama San Diego Comic-Con Vudu LGBT dc Funimation gangster political drama Pop Thanksgiving hidden camera Oscars GLAAD Action diversity GIFs concert Pride Month CBS Emmy Nominations TLC TCM spain rt labs Disney Channel critics Box Office boxoffice Hallmark TNT documentaries independent festivals free movies Rom-Com Mindy Kaling Academy Awards DC streaming service History Mudbound olympics 90s football video wonder woman singing competition revenge Reality blockbusters parents Comedy Central Polls and Games WGN Year in Review dexter The Witch cancelled television travel CBS All Access Martial Arts Election TCA Winter 2020 italian Tokyo Olympics Comedy IFC Films 2016 rotten Lucasfilm E3 heist movie Disney Plus game of thrones DirecTV Amazon Prime Video streaming movies mission: impossible debate Wes Anderson Trailer PaleyFest hist south america RT21 canceled A24 comedies versus adenture classics Crackle docuseries Mystery japan Song of Ice and Fire Winners theme song anime rt labs critics edition slasher tv talk worst superman prank FX on Hulu godzilla Marathons Syfy 71st Emmy Awards miniseries a nightmare on elm street Apple TV Plus scorecard Amazon Prime Netflix game show psycho stand-up comedy movie TCA Esquire Country Starz Valentine's Day Disney streaming service halloween tv historical drama OneApp Extras dragons SXSW Black Mirror Premiere Dates SundanceTV Chernobyl cinemax new zealand die hard Alien quibi Tarantino Adult Swim teaser TV Tubi Showtime Discovery Channel Image Comics See It Skip It popular Star Wars The Arrangement VOD mockumentary The CW Fox Searchlight women IFC transformers fresh satire Women's History Month Calendar new york Biopics Trophy Talk 2015 foreign Comic Book golden globe awards Music FX unscripted Turner young adult Film Amazon Studios sequel crime thriller Television Academy Disney+ Disney Plus Musical telelvision comic book movie science fiction latino crime Comic-Con@Home 2021 Kids & Family 24 frames Super Bowl ABC Family high school war cops disaster Chilling Adventures of Sabrina blaxploitation LGBTQ toy story Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Fantasy Bravo franchise doctor who Red Carpet marvel comics legend Reality Competition dceu Exclusive Video batman binge movies rt archives Family First Reviews discovery comiccon Columbia Pictures golden globes zombie finale Rocketman king kong American Society of Cinematographers Dark Horse Comics video on demand Marvel comic books black zombies Warner Bros. Toys zero dark thirty Summer Captain marvel Character Guide spinoff Superheroes Superheroe social media 1990s child's play razzies Peacock cooking asian-american HBO Max superhero Certified Fresh period drama cancelled TV series Heroines kids TV Land dark Lionsgate australia Anna Paquin Pet Sematary 2017 USA Network Awards Tour medical drama venice children's TV remakes aliens CMT MTV Best and Worst Pirates screen actors guild PlayStation FXX Emmys suspense psychological thriller rom-coms