Critics Consensus

Critics Consensus: Vampires Suck Bites

Plus, yay to Nanny McPhee Returns and Piranha 3-D, nay to The Switch and Lottery Ticket

by | August 20, 2010 | Comments

This week at the movies, we’ve got a Twilight spoof (Vampires Suck, starring Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter); a magical childminder (Nanny McPhee Returns, starring Emma Thompson and Maggie Gyllenhaal); bloodthirsty fish (Piranha 3D, starring Elisabeth Shue and Jerry O’Connell); a baby mixup (The Switch, starring Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman); and powerball pratfalls (Lottery Ticket, starring Bow Wow and Ice Cube). What do the critics have to say?



[tomatometer]MovieID=771201458[/tomatometer]

Vampires Suck

The critically-reviled spoof-meisters Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer make Uwe Boll look like Akira Kurosawa; for those keeping score at home, their best-reviewed directorial effort thus far is Date Movie, which garnered a robust six percent on the Tomatometer. And critics say their latest, the witless Twilight parody, Vampires Suck, lives down to its title. Jenn Proske stars as Becca Crane (geddit? It’s just like Bella Swan!), who falls for a vampire named Edward Sullen (sounds like Edward Cullen! And he’s mopey!) and an oft-shirtless werewolf; hilarity, in the form of pratfalls and Jersey Shore impersonators, ensues. The pundits say Vampires Suck represents something of an advance for Friedberg and Seltzer — a couple gags are mildly amusing — but otherwise, it’s more of the same, with lame, lazy pop-culture references substituting for actual laughs.



[tomatometer]MovieID=771041878[/tomatometer]

Nanny McPhee Returns

Nanny McPhee is back, and better than ever! At least, so say the critics, who are once again charmed by the snaggletoothed, magic-dispensing domestic savior in Nanny McPhee Returns. Emma Thompson reprises the title role, this time bringing her services to the put-upon Isabel Green (Maggie Gyllenhaal), who is trying to keep her family intact while her husband serves in a far-away war. Naturally, Ms. McPhee restores order to the household, but outside forces still threaten the Greens. The pundits say the Certified Fresh Nanny McPhee Returns is better than its predecessor, thanks to its fine cast and a willfully eccentric, whimsical, intelligent script.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770675849[/tomatometer]

Piranha 3-D

Back in the day, 3D wasn’t employed in the service of big-budget prestige pictures but delightfully disreputable B-movies. And for those of you who’ve been pining for a 3D flick in the tradition of William Castle, wait no more: critics say the giddy, gory Piranha 3-D is a whale of fish tale. This third installment of Roger Corman’s Jaws ripoff stars Elisabeth Shue as a sheriff who must protect her community after a school of prehistoric fish lay waste to spring break revelers partying at the local lake. The pundits say Piranha 3-D is a lot of fun: it’s tongue-in-cheek without succumbing to self parody, and its kills are energetic and inventive.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770810632[/tomatometer]

The Switch

Apparently, artificial insemination and comedy go together like babies and pacifiers — in recent months, we’ve been treated to the Certified Fresh The Kids Are All Right and the less warmly-received The Back-Up Plan. Now comes The Switch, and critics say this mix of raunch and sentiment leaves, ahem, womb for improvement. Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman star as a pair of close friends; seven years ago, after an accident, he replaced the sperm sample she planned to use to get pregnant with his own seed. How will they face the revelation that her kid is really his, too? The pundits say The Switch‘s premise is questionable to begin with, and although the performers do their best, they’re saddled with a surprise-free script that adheres too closely to the romantic comedy playbook.



[tomatometer]MovieID=770863869[/tomatometer]

Lottery Ticket

We’ve all fantasized about winning the lottery, but we tend to avoid thinking about the downside — false friends and tenuous connections looking for a piece of the pie. Unfortunately, critics say Lottery Ticket takes that delicious premise and doesn’t do much with it — despite good intentions and occasional charm, it’s an uneven piece of work. Bow Wow stars as Kevin, an affable Foot Locker employee who buys a lottery ticket that turns out to be worth $370 million. Pretty soon the word gets out, and Kevin must avoid greedy neighbors and local tough guys in order to collect the prize. The pundits say Lottery Ticket has moments of warmth and humor, but it’s ultimately haphazard and devoid of tension. (Check out this week’s Total Recall, in which we run down Ice Cube’s best-reviewed movies.)


Also opening this week in limited release:

  • Army of Crime, a thriller about the early days of the French Resistance in World War II, is at 90 percent.

  • A Film Unfinished, which resurrects (and provides insight into) a long-lost Nazi propaganda film, is at 89 percent.

  • The Tillman Story, a documentary about the inspiring life and untimely death of the footballer-turned-Army Ranger, is at 89 percent.

  • Soul Kitchen, a comedy about a idiosyncratic restaurateur and the eccentrics drawn into his orbit, is at 80 percent.

  • Mao’s Last Dancer, based on the true rags-to-riches tale of a dancer who rose from humble origins, is at 59 percent.

  • Calvin Marshall, a drama about a junior college ballplayer determined to make the majors despite a lack of talent, is at 50 percent.

  • Making Plans for Lena, a drama about a gathering of dysfunctional family members, is at 43 percent.

Tag Cloud

Trailer FOX Opinion Pop TV Crunchyroll chucky Awards canceled Apple Disney Plus stoner BET Awards NBC Walt Disney Pictures dragons cops CNN IFC Spring TV hispanic Fall TV miniseries Pixar USA tv talk First Look TBS A24 sequel Baby Yoda Netflix Logo rotten movies we love scary movies Valentine's Day Horror adaptation The CW Sundance TV Disney Britbox Spike strong female leads crime Lionsgate TV renewals comics transformers Musicals docudrama facebook Mystery medical drama Hulu USA Network reboot game show independent revenge cancelled Peacock Trivia Amazon crime drama Hear Us Out Grammys CBS TV Land Calendar Turner Classic Movies Film Festival Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt GIFs halloween 2016 composers disaster Universal YouTube Premium period drama VOD festivals golden globes Tomatazos Disney Channel foreign First Reviews Cannes X-Men Mudbound aliens blaxploitation PBS Netflix Christmas movies Crackle Holidays based on movie canceled TV shows Red Carpet ESPN Disney+ Disney Plus NYCC 2018 Brie Larson supernatural Columbia Pictures historical drama PlayStation Hallmark Superheroe Captain marvel TIFF IFC Films Shudder Apple TV+ critics Freeform Turner Toys Polls and Games Best and Worst Mary Poppins Returns dark Epix WarnerMedia breaking bad MCU spanish language kids WGN MSNBC RT21 mockumentary Box Office game of thrones indie YouTube BET Television Academy elevated horror TCM Discovery Channel video cancelled TV shows 21st Century Fox Cartoon Network TV discovery mission: impossible BBC Oscars singing competition Martial Arts Mary poppins FX Certified Fresh TCA Amazon Studios Funimation teaser spain true crime Syfy 2017 Summer President Fantasy spider-man Masterpiece Tumblr natural history cults Chilling Adventures of Sabrina universal monsters thriller Schedule Chernobyl green book Nat Geo Family television psychological thriller satire Biopics zombies zombie HBO Go PaleyFest Sci-Fi casting Binge Guide History 2020 4/20 unscripted Countdown Ellie Kemper die hard Elton John 2015 SXSW crossover Lifetime Christmas movies robots Creative Arts Emmys documentaries screenings Video Games Election Tarantino Pride Month 2019 sitcom comic LGBTQ sag awards Vudu Mary Tyler Moore spy thriller indiana jones Infographic news ABC Comedy Sundance award winner streaming sports Holiday Stephen King zero dark thirty The Arrangement joker The Purge Sundance Now Pop Apple TV Plus Dark Horse Comics Emmy Nominations Quiz renewed TV shows biography what to watch Thanksgiving RT History DC streaming service The Witch asian-american quibi Country YouTube Red ABC Family latino DC Universe Year in Review Character Guide BAFTA OneApp Academy Awards San Diego Comic-Con name the review CMT anime Western Teen El Rey cars justice league slashers Paramount Tubi diversity GoT Kids & Family Trophy Talk dramedy Spectrum Originals Anna Paquin toy story boxoffice war christmas movies child's play Food Network Sony Pictures politics comiccon dogs Cosplay mutant movies Action Film SundanceTV free movies police drama Rocketman Rocky batman ghosts 45 Song of Ice and Fire Warner Bros. Acorn TV DirecTV twilight Star Wars animated hist The Walking Dead cancelled television finale GLAAD Lifetime video on demand Bravo Sneak Peek cancelled TV series A&E parents Animation documentary E! Heroines space TCA Winter 2020 Writers Guild of America TLC Arrowverse Nominations Disney streaming service doctor who TCA Awards Music films Pet Sematary Marvel Studios Adult Swim Star Trek BBC One cinemax criterion social media technology MTV Comics on TV children's TV romantic comedy screen actors guild talk show Amazon Prime Video FX on Hulu Marvel Television stand-up comedy book Watching Series ITV Awards Tour dc See It Skip It science fiction CBS All Access FXX nature directors National Geographic Ghostbusters American Society of Cinematographers Marvel 20th Century Fox Women's History Month Amazon Prime Christmas political drama serial killer theme song movie New York Comic Con Set visit OWN Avengers Rom-Com Reality Competition blockbuster AMC Interview all-time HBO Max YA 24 frames a nightmare on elm street Black Mirror versus Super Bowl APB richard e. Grant Travel Channel Comedy Central DGA jamie lee curtis Marathons ratings cats south america LGBT Showtime TCA 2017 TNT anthology Esquire cartoon series Musical Hallmark Christmas movies best concert BBC America franchise Fox News E3 Photos Endgame Classic Film psycho 007 Television Critics Association harry potter reviews Drama Pirates Paramount Network Lucasfilm 71st Emmy Awards Extras HBO Podcast vampires Black History Month Reality VH1 Shondaland Ovation werewolf Nickelodeon DC Comics spinoff adventure SDCC Comic Book Mindy Kaling crime thriller Winter TV CW Seed travel Emmys comedies VICE Winners dceu TruTV witnail Starz Rock romance cooking Premiere Dates Superheroes binge