Five Favorite Films

Rocket Raccoon's Five Favorite Films

by | September 24, 2015 | Comments

First off, I gotta say it’s a real honor to be buried here halfway down the Rotten Tomatoes homepage! I hope the genius who decided to go to Peter Bogdanovich for his Top 5 before asking yours truly has a fun time explaining that to the boss! I mean, COME ON!

Now when it comes to film, I mostly just like sayin’ ‘oeuvre’ and watchin’ the blank look on Drax’s face, but I do keep a personal library of my faves. So here they are in no particular order…


Dirty Harry (1971) 89%

Dirty Harry Callahan would make a GREAT Guardian of the Galaxy. We don’t hardly count as 100% heroes, but we ain’t 100% outlaws neither. We’re… a bit of both. This should be required viewing for anyone in law enforcement. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, NOVA CORPS. I only have one tiny critique — Callahan was wasting time with that puny “.44 Magnum.” He needs my “.88 Maxnum,” my quad-blaster, or even better, my Hadron Enforcer! NOW ask yourself, “Do I feel lucky?!” OH, YEAH!

Rascal (1969)

When I first met Peter Quill in Kyln, I ain’t never heard of a “raccoon,” but he made me watch this movie and… aww flarg, I loved it! It’s a gritty tale about a wily raccoon that gets abducted by one of Quill’s ancient ancestors in some cheese hut called “Wisconsin.” The little guy unleashes a whole lot of krutack on his captors and eventually cons the kid into letting him go free. It reminded me of my own childhood, when I got stuck in a lab on Halfworld. That’s where I met my best bud Groot. This flick had us bawling like saplings. BUT DON’T TELL QUILL! I don’t want him to know we was gettin’ sentimental…

 

First Blood (1982) 85%

Ohhh yeaaaaahhhhhh. Rambo. Greatest krutackin’ warrior this side of the galaxy. Listen, after me and Groot escaped from Halfworld, we had it tough. We started collecting bounties for units, and fell into plenty of “misunderstandings” with Nova Corps — we know how this guy feels! What I like best about Rambo though — he weren’t out there to hurt nobody. And me and the Guardians, we’re savin’ lives now!

Actually, you know what? That ain’t what I like best about Rambo — I like when he BLOWS THAT D’AST TOWN TO SMITHEREENS. What can I say? I love anything that goes BOOM!

 

Pocahontas (1995) 55%

A fascinating character study of how another rebel raccoon Meeko manipulates a buncha useless fleshbags into arguing over a buncha Earth units that weren’t even real, just to feed his bottomless appetite — FOR POWER! I always say there ain’t no thing like me, ‘cept me, but Meeko’s pretty d’ast close. He’s even got his own talking tree sidekick, Granny Willow! And look, Groot’s great, but he ain’t got the powers of persuasion that this barky broad had. But Meeko and Granny, they took it too far — they almost started a WAR! Me an’ Groot, we’re all about protecting our galaxy (YOU’RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY). But trust you me, Meeko is the greatest antihero of Earth cinema. Five stars!

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) 91%

You know d’ast well this is my favorite film! Adapted from my super-violent memoirs, Marvel Studios brought to Earth the formerly little-known story of how a one-of-a-kind hero, YOURS TRULY, united a group of Kyln prison rookies and saved the whole krutackin’ galaxy! Bradley Cooper, an acclaimed cinematic thespian, starred as ME, while TV’s Chris Pratt turned in a surprising performance in what was SUPPOSED to be a supporting role (Don’t worry, Rocket fans, I got a “call” into his agent!). Still, this biopic was mostly factualistic. Only thing is, they messed up the title — the more accurate nomenclature is Rocket and Some D’ast Useless Flargs. I’ve offered it up free of charge for the sequel.

And that’s it, cinephiles! I’m sure some of you got different picks, but this ain’t a debate!


Now stop stealin’ yer boss’s internet and get back to work! Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 opens on May 5, 2017.

  • NameNamerson

    oh man you just took me back! Great list

  • vongoh

    Hah! This was great, the writer nailed the voice of Rocket

  • BlackAdamForPresident

    I approve.

  • Tinwoods

    Yes, great job capturing Rocket! Bravo, “staff”!

  • John Simon Caughman IV

    Best Celebrity Top 5 films EVERRR

  • You have some good picks there rocket.. who am I to argue with a gun toting Raccoon.

  • Dodo

    Hehe.

  • UKMikey

    Rocket, you have great taste my man. (And the writer has d’ast good chops in klutarcking space slang.)

Tag Cloud

romantic comedy Hulu Masterpiece Comics on TV Character Guide scary movies Fantasy Avengers Nat Geo golden globes boxoffice Action satire ratings video on demand jamie lee curtis HBO Schedule christmas movies Disney Plus BAFTA biography Lucasfilm cooking History free movies psycho Valentine's Day television Apple TV Plus Pixar nbcuniversal Tumblr foreign kids witnail Binge Guide GoT doctor who directors NBC Infographic Baby Yoda universal monsters singing competition unscripted TBS Shondaland Amazon Studios Superheroe Nominations adaptation cops APB politics breaking bad VH1 crime Ovation spinoff Summer OneApp blaxploitation DirecTV YouTube best batman Pet Sematary cancelled TV shows reviews Netflix Christmas movies SundanceTV facebook 2020 Hallmark Christmas movies 21st Century Fox Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt green book emmy awards USA Network parents sequels BBC America The Walking Dead Marvel Studios comics stand-up comedy based on movie binge Comic Book PaleyFest Horror MTV rotten movies we love 2015 Countdown elevated horror Spectrum Originals festivals criterion mission: impossible space Universal The CW Musicals Spike 20th Century Fox WGN serial killer Black History Month Hear Us Out 2017 Star Trek Apple TV+ Syfy screen actors guild ghosts BBC Logo TV Land TCA Winter 2020 SDCC Marvel Spring TV cancelled TV series spanish language Lifetime Christmas movies reboot Television Academy GIFs Family Certified Fresh thriller political drama psychological thriller Opinion die hard 45 animated Winners Chilling Adventures of Sabrina zombie Trailer casting The Arrangement Funimation ITV Esquire AMC Food Network Warner Bros. Red Carpet hollywood Columbia Pictures teaser franchise Arrowverse Premiere Dates Box Office TCA 2017 versus finale Ellie Kemper war name the review Marathons hispanic Freeform joker Vudu robots Song of Ice and Fire Disney Channel Showtime series TV Discovery Channel RT21 halloween Classic Film travel Crunchyroll Women's History Month anthology OWN CNN LGBT Mystery Calendar films sports Kids & Family Western CW Seed Teen Brie Larson Election a nightmare on elm street Polls and Games 2019 canceled Extras talk show award winner Sony Pictures PBS news BBC One Oscars Rocketman TCA Awards police drama historical drama Adult Swim Musical spain supernatural spider-man theme song Shudder Paramount renewed TV shows Mudbound sitcom ABC aliens social media 2018 Disney streaming service See It Skip It NYCC Endgame Photos Chernobyl Tomatazos DC Universe DC Comics 24 frames FXX diversity mutant movie Martial Arts FX Quiz Christmas critics cartoon cults Awards harry potter Heroines Animation indiana jones Stephen King FOX Reality The Witch FX on Hulu Elton John Amazon Prime USA video YA Emmy Nominations Film Festival Rock CBS TCM BET Awards Music TNT indie medical drama child's play Comedy First Reviews 007 twilight Pride Month Apple ESPN YouTube Premium Amazon Bravo MCU TLC Fall TV Writers Guild of America screenings comedies independent cinemax worst Podcast WarnerMedia sequel comic miniseries Biopics Superheroes richard e. Grant Academy Awards 71st Emmy Awards tv talk vampires 2016 Acorn TV Reality Competition revenge dark The Purge Mary Tyler Moore Captain marvel stop motion Paramount Network E3 documentary dceu Winter TV discovery children's TV First Look Rom-Com Mary Poppins Returns technology Star Wars Sneak Peek natural history documentaries stoner Holidays Sundance Creative Arts Emmys spy thriller zombies Comedy Central movies Pirates YouTube Red TCA 4/20 PlayStation TIFF El Rey Lifetime IFC A24 Hallmark Toys Cannes hist TruTV LGBTQ Film E! science fiction canceled TV shows anime dramedy Pop TV HBO Go Sundance TV cars Cosplay true crime Trivia Lionsgate cancelled television Disney+ Disney Plus Grammys 72 Emmy Awards New York Comic Con Tubi Watching Series chucky crossover sag awards Awards Tour Black Mirror Ghostbusters latino Super Bowl adventure Holiday crime thriller BET A&E south america laika game of thrones all-time disaster Amazon Prime Video dc zero dark thirty obituary Video Games concert GLAAD American Society of Cinematographers Anna Paquin slashers Sci-Fi cancelled San Diego Comic-Con National Geographic fast and furious Year in Review VICE cats book Netflix Pop nature streaming blockbuster Sundance Now Emmys docudrama HBO Max Turner Classic Movies TV renewals Best and Worst mockumentary President toy story classics Tarantino Starz DC streaming service justice league crime drama Walt Disney Pictures Marvel Television Trophy Talk dogs Fox News comiccon superhero game show romance Britbox Travel Channel SXSW Cartoon Network Rocky RT History quibi Set visit Crackle Disney transformers composers Interview asian-american Dark Horse Comics Turner Epix ABC Family Thanksgiving what to watch X-Men DGA IFC Films Drama Mary poppins strong female leads Mindy Kaling dragons Country VOD CMT MSNBC CBS All Access period drama rotten Television Critics Association Peacock Nickelodeon werewolf