First off, I gotta say it’s a real honor to be buried here halfway down the Rotten Tomatoes homepage! I hope the genius who decided to go to Peter Bogdanovich for his Top 5 before asking yours truly has a fun time explaining that to the boss! I mean, COME ON!
Now when it comes to film, I mostly just like sayin’ ‘oeuvre’ and watchin’ the blank look on Drax’s face, but I do keep a personal library of my faves. So here they are in no particular order…
Dirty Harry Callahan would make a GREAT Guardian of the Galaxy. We don’t hardly count as 100% heroes, but we ain’t 100% outlaws neither. We’re… a bit of both. This should be required viewing for anyone in law enforcement. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, NOVA CORPS. I only have one tiny critique — Callahan was wasting time with that puny “.44 Magnum.” He needs my “.88 Maxnum,” my quad-blaster, or even better, my Hadron Enforcer! NOW ask yourself, “Do I feel lucky?!” OH, YEAH!
When I first met Peter Quill in Kyln, I ain’t never heard of a “raccoon,” but he made me watch this movie and… aww flarg, I loved it! It’s a gritty tale about a wily raccoon that gets abducted by one of Quill’s ancient ancestors in some cheese hut called “Wisconsin.” The little guy unleashes a whole lot of krutack on his captors and eventually cons the kid into letting him go free. It reminded me of my own childhood, when I got stuck in a lab on Halfworld. That’s where I met my best bud Groot. This flick had us bawling like saplings. BUT DON’T TELL QUILL! I don’t want him to know we was gettin’ sentimental…
Ohhh yeaaaaahhhhhh. Rambo. Greatest krutackin’ warrior this side of the galaxy. Listen, after me and Groot escaped from Halfworld, we had it tough. We started collecting bounties for units, and fell into plenty of “misunderstandings” with Nova Corps — we know how this guy feels! What I like best about Rambo though — he weren’t out there to hurt nobody. And me and the Guardians, we’re savin’ lives now!
Actually, you know what? That ain’t what I like best about Rambo — I like when he BLOWS THAT D’AST TOWN TO SMITHEREENS. What can I say? I love anything that goes BOOM!
A fascinating character study of how another rebel raccoon Meeko manipulates a buncha useless fleshbags into arguing over a buncha Earth units that weren’t even real, just to feed his bottomless appetite — FOR POWER! I always say there ain’t no thing like me, ‘cept me, but Meeko’s pretty d’ast close. He’s even got his own talking tree sidekick, Granny Willow! And look, Groot’s great, but he ain’t got the powers of persuasion that this barky broad had. But Meeko and Granny, they took it too far — they almost started a WAR! Me an’ Groot, we’re all about protecting our galaxy (YOU’RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY). But trust you me, Meeko is the greatest antihero of Earth cinema. Five stars!
You know d’ast well this is my favorite film! Adapted from my super-violent memoirs, Marvel Studios brought to Earth the formerly little-known story of how a one-of-a-kind hero, YOURS TRULY, united a group of Kyln prison rookies and saved the whole krutackin’ galaxy! Bradley Cooper, an acclaimed cinematic thespian, starred as ME, while TV’s Chris Pratt turned in a surprising performance in what was SUPPOSED to be a supporting role (Don’t worry, Rocket fans, I got a “call” into his agent!). Still, this biopic was mostly factualistic. Only thing is, they messed up the title — the more accurate nomenclature is Rocket and Some D’ast Useless Flargs. I’ve offered it up free of charge for the sequel.
And that’s it, cinephiles! I’m sure some of you got different picks, but this ain’t a debate!
Now stop stealin’ yer boss’s internet and get back to work! Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 opens on May 5, 2017.