“The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.” (George 5:14)
Two releases coming out, The Shallowsand Swiss Army Man, feature hapless folks stranded in the ocean, inspiring this week’s gallery: 24 more movies to convince you to stay the hell out of the water.
The grandaddy of big blue boos and progenitor of the modern Hollywood filmmaking machine as we know it.
Open Water
Year: 2004
Tomatometer: 72%
The first movie in decades to get people to rethink swimming in the ocean, especially since this left-behind story was based on true events.
The Reef
Year: 2010
Tomatometer: 78%
Doing the Australian tourism board no favors, here’s another movie set off the continent’s waters featuring human chums and hangry sharks.
Deep Blue Sea
Year: 1999
Tomatometer: 56%
Not since Jaws: The Revenge have sharks made dining on humans such a personal vendetta.
Piranha 3D
Year: 2010
Tomatometer: 73%
Spielberg called the original Piranha the best of ripoffs that came in Jaws‘ wake. Apparently, lightning chomps twice as Piranha 3D is one of the few horror remakes to get higher critical marks than the original.
All Is Lost
Year: 2013
Tomatometer: 94%
A one-man sailing trip goes awry and Robert Reford has to rely on his nautical wits to survive (at least there weren’t many lines to memorize).
The Perfect Storm
Year: 2000
Tomatometer: 47%
Dialogue is likewise mostly eschewed during the final section of Perfect Storm, where George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg wage a valiant but hopeless battle against monstrous waves.
Titanic
Year: 1997
Tomatometer: 88%
The boat sank.
Deep Rising
Year: 1998
Tomatometer: 31%
Mercenaries plan to take over an ocean liner only to learn that monsters have beaten them to the punch.
Triangle
Year: 2009
Tomatometer: 82%
Melissa George and friends jump onto a seemingly deserted liner after their boat capsizes, only for everyone to start getting picked off one by one.
The Poseidon Adventure
Year: 1972
Tomatometer: 79%
One of the towering efforts by Hollywood during the disaster film craze in the early 1970s.
Poseidon
Year: 2006
Tomatometer: 33%
Wolfgang Petersen, who also directed The Perfect Storm, returned to the sea for this remake.
The Finest Hours
Year: 2016
Tomatometer: 62%
Based on the real-life Coast Guard rescue in the 1950s off the coast of Massachusetts.
Lifeboat
Year: 1944
Tomatometer: 95%
Set at the height of World War II, Alfred Hitchcock’s chamber piece sees Axis and Allies members trapped on a dinghy fighting for survival.
Life of Pi
Year: 2012
Tomatometer: 87%
Being trapped on a boat with a tiger (in 3D, nonetheless) sounds awful but director Ang Lee makes it look ravishing.
Abandon Ship!
Year: 1957
A bleak drama about 27 maritime survivors on a lifeboat that fits only nine, and the drastic steps Tyrone Power takes in lightening the load.
The Disappeared
Year: 2012
A microbudget, claustrophobic Candaian film about six people trying to return to land by rowboat in the North Atlantic ocean.
Waterworld
Year: 1995
Tomatometer: 42%
Whether you’re in the desert or the middle of the ocean, roving gangs of marauders always seem to be a problem in the post-apocalyptic future.
White Squall
Year: 1996
Tomatometer: 62%
A few years before his Gladiator comeback, Ridley Scott directed this true story of an ocean windstorm that sunk the Albatross in 1961, killing a majority of its teenage sailors.
The Deep
Year: 2013
Tomatometer: 96%
An Icelandic film about the sole survivor of a commercial fishing trip disaster and the guilt he endures when he returns home and is celebrated a hero.
Moby Dick
Year: 1956
Tomatometer: 84%
In a Q&A with Martin Scorsese, Spielberg openly states he copied shots from John Huston’s adaptation of the Herman Melville classic for Jaws.
In the Heart of the Sea
Year: 2015
Tomatometer: 42%
Ron Howard dramatized (as though there needed to be more drama) the fateful seafaring trip that inspired Melville (played by Ben Whishaw) to write Moby-Dick.
Cast Away
Year: 2000
Tomatometer: 90%
The heroic tale of a volleyball, mute from birth, and his escape from a bedraggled human captor on a remote island.
Sharknado
Year: 2013
Tomatometer: 82%
So you heeded this gallery and now you’re fortified on dry land with extra shark repellent Bat-spray by Wayne Industries. Think you’re safe? WRONG, it’s Hollywood: the sharks find a way.
