Critical Consensus: Bucket Gets Kicked, The Orphanage is Certified Fresh, In the Name of the King Not Screened

This week
at the movies, we’ve got two wild and
crazy guys (The Bucket
List, starring
Jack Nicholson
and Morgan Freeman),
pious crooks (First Sunday, starring
Ice Cube and
Tracy Morgan), botanical
buccaneers (The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie),
haunted expatriates (The
Kite Runner), tormented mothers (The
Orphanage), and Uwe Boll (In
the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, starring
Jason Statham
and Burt
Reynolds). What do the critics have to say?

How can a
movie directed by Rob Reiner and starring
Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman
possibly fail? If, say critics, it has a really contrived, sappy script, which
is the problem with
The Bucket List.
Nicholson and Freeman star as a couple of sixtysomethings who, after discovering they each have terminal
illnesses, team up to do all the living they can in the time they have left —
in the form of skydiving and tattoo-getting, among other things. Pundits say the
two stars give it their all, but they’re undercut by a predictable plot that
overdoses on schmaltz. At 44 percent on the Tomatometer, Bucket probably
shouldn’t top your list.

Ice Cube
and
Tracy Morgan are talented people. Unfortunately, critics say their despite
their combined ability to generate intermittent chuckles, they’re unable to save
First Sunday. The film is a tale of two incompetent crooks who contrive a
plot to rob the local house of worship. However, their plan goes awry rather
quickly, and the pair has a crisis of faith. Pundits say First Sunday has
its moments, but it’s ultimately undone by a script that lacks nuance and
consistency; others aren’t buying the sentimentality of the last act. At 25
percent on the Tomatometer, First Sunday might need to do penance.

Fear not,
parents:
The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie contains
no plank-walking, keel-hauling, or bottles of rum. But guess what? Critics say
it’s clever enough to keep you entertained. The latest in Christian animation’s
most venerable franchise since
Davey and Goliath, Pirates follows
the comic misadventures of Larry the Cucumber, Mr.
Lunt and Pa Grape, as they are transported from their humdrum lives back in time
to the days of William Kidd — and trouble on the high seas. Pundits say while Pirates,
may be several cuts below
Ratatouille, it’s sweet and inoffensive, with a
positive message and some good laughs. At 67 percent on the Tomatometer,
this Pirates‘ life may not be for everyone, but at least it won’t make
you want to mutiny.

Khaled Hosseini‘s novel

The

Kite Runner drew widespread praise for its tale of
youngsters living through a tumultuous period in Afghani history. And critics
say Marc Forster’s big-screen adaptation does a reasonably good job of
translating the book’s sweep — while still taking some liberties. Kite
stars Zekiria Ebrahimi and
Ahmad Khan Mahmoodzada as two youngsters who survive both the Soviet invasion and the rise
of the Taliban — albeit with some pretty heavy emotional baggage. The scribes
say Forster gets some great performances from his child actors, and captures the
visual beauty of the war-torn land. But some say the film doesn’t quite have the
same impact as the novel, dialing up some of the big emotions while skimping on
nuance. Still, at 65 percent on the Tomatometer, this Kite flies
reasonably high. (Check out our interviews
here and
here.)

If you
feel the fine art of cinematic suspense has drowned in a sea of gore, critics
say you’re in for a treat with
The Orphanage. Produced by
Pan’s
Labyrinth helmer
Guillermo del Toro, The Orphanage follows Laura (Belén
Rueda) and Carlos (Fernando Cayo) , the adoptive parents of Simon (Roger
Príncep), an orphan suffering from HIV. The boy has a host of imaginary friends,
and what he says about them starts sounding pretty sinister. The scribes say
Juan Antonio Bayona‘s film is loaded with dread and spooky atmospherics, but it
also succeeds as a heart-wrenching psychological portrait. At 85 percent on the
Tomatometer, The Orphanage is Certified Fresh. (Check out our interview
with Bayona and screenwriter Sergio Sanchez
here and our review from Cannes
here.)

Yes, Uwe
Boll, everyone’s favorite critical pariah, has a new movie out:


In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. No it wasn’t screened for critics. But
what did you expect, given the fact that the man’s career Tomatometer is at five
percent? Critics don’t really dig him, especially the one he knocked out. Dungeon
Siege stars
Jason Statham,
Ray Liotta,
Leelee Sobieski,
Burt
Reynolds, and
Matthew Lillard in a tale of a regular guy who must do battle with beasts
conjured by an evil sorcerer; swordplay no doubt ensues. Hey kids, stop laying
siege to that dungeon and guess the Tomatometer! (And read our [qualified]
defense of Mr. Boll’s work in this week’s Total Recall.)

Also
opening this week in limited release:

• 
  Liberty Kid, a drama about the
  after-effects of 9/11 on several blue-collar New Yorkers, is at 100 percent on
  the Tomatometer.

• Hong Sang-soo‘s
  Woman on the Beach, a subtle rom-com
  about a filmmaker with writer’s block, is at 94 percent.

• 
  The Business of
  Being Born, a documentary about several couples and their experiences with
  childbirth, is at 71 percent.

• The Turkish import
  Times and Winds,
  a deceptively simple tale of three youngsters coming of age in a small village,
  is at 73 percent.

It looks like Anne Geddes is going in a more avant garde direction.

Finally,
props to
tabascoman77, both for boldly announcing that
One Missed Call
would end up at zero percent on the Tomatometer, and for his excellent taste in
hot sauce. Personally, I like the garlic Tabasco, but that’s just me.

Recent
Morgan Freeman Movies:
—————————————
93% — Gone Baby Gone (2007)
42% — Feast of Love (2007)
24% — Evan Almighty (2007)
62% — 10 Items or Less (2006)
52% — Lucky # Slevin (2006) 

Uwe Boll
Movies:
————————
4% — BloodRayne (2006)
1% — Alone in the Dark (2005)
4% — House of the Dead (2003)
11% — Blackwoods (2002)