With the presidential race
getting down to the wire, and Oliver Stone’s long-awaited W. hitting
theaters this week, we at RT thought it would be the perfect time to present
you, the electorate, with a list of some of our favorite movie presidents. So
register to vote, hum “Hail to the Chief” to yourself, and check out our ode to
the finest in cinematic statecraft.
He’ll excel at foreign relations, deftly ameliorating international crises
to keep the peace, then turning right around and destroying populations just
to remind everyone who’s in charge.
Why we’d vote for him: In the movies, presidents act with
integrity and are respected accordingly. Not so in the superior Cold War
thriller Seven Days in May, in which a commander in chief makes a gutsy
geopolitical move — an arms-control pact with the Soviets — and risks a
military takeover for his trouble.
Why we’d vote for him: He
looks pretty good even when his head is on backwards, and he’s survived a
self-destructing spacecraft, which means he’ll not only be very TV-friendly,
but there’s also not much our enemies can hurl at him that he won’t be able
to recover from.
Why we’d vote for him:
Along with figures like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Joan of Arc, Abe
is whisked from the past to contribute to a high school history project. As
the capper to Bill and Ted’s memorable presentation, Lincoln vastly improves
his Gettysburg Address for the knuckleheads of San Dimas High School: “Be
excellent to each other… and party on, dudes!”
Why we’d vote for him: I’m
just going to come right out and say it. We would be foolish not to put
this man in office, based on his plan for Iraq alone: fly our enemies and
their families to Minnesota and teach them all how to skate.
Dave Kovic
Appears
in: Dave
(1993, 97%) Played by: Kevin Kline
Why we’d vote for him:
Bill Mitchell? We probably wouldn’t vote for him. But Dave Kovic as his
look-alike stand in? Who wouldn’t? Dave’s got charisma and integrity, he
loves kids, he’s got chemistry with the first lady, and he carved an
impressive $650 million out of the budget to save a homeless shelter.
Sounds like a winner to us.
Dale’s
optimism (“Why can’t we all just get along?”) and cheerleading (“I want the
people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the
government working for them, and that ain’t bad”) recalls President Taft’s
golden era of lazy pacifism. Now all he needs is a gnarly walrus mustache.
Why we’d vote for him: Not
only can Whitmore improvise a killer speech to rally the troops, his
similarly hands-on approach of flying an F-18 Hornet against alien scum is
the first time a president has led combat in over 150 years.
Why we’d vote for him: Marshall’s refusal to negotiate with
terrorists would serve him well in today’s political climate. Also, what’s a
better campaign slogan than “Get Off My Plane”?
Why we’d vote for him: Not
only does he know how to delegate responsibility effectively (he commissions
the heroic Korben Dallas to dispose of the ultimate Evil), but really, look
at the guy. Would you mess with him? Yeah, neither would we.
He’s articulate, good with the press, spiritual, and full of bite-sized
chunks of wisdom. Oh, and he helped us avoid complete and utter extinction
once.
Why we’d vote for him: His
extreme measures would make for some interesting CNN segments; after Dr.
Evil sets up a moon base, the president starts itching to make contact with
Earth’s single natural satellite with a nuke.
This president appeals to both party tickets. His cowboy demeanor mirrors
Dubya’s, while his sleazy come-ons to the British officials will ring true
for Clinton admirers and other horny Democrats.
Why we’d vote for him: Political junkies have long argued what experience is ideal for a
president. Governorship? A senatorial career? In Idiocracy President
Camacho followed a different path to the White House; prior to occupying the
Oval Office, he was a six-time Smackdown champion and legendary porn star.
Though his administration is plagued by famine, base desires, and general
dystopia, Camacho’s State of the Union address is pretty lively, filled with
profanity-laden tirades and gunplay.
Why we’d vote for him: His
pragmatic approach to field knowledge (from what we gathered, “knowing stuff
is overrated”) would get rid of pesky external factors like “doubt” and
“comprehension” when planning wars and disaster scenarios.
General voters say Bush looks like a dude you can share a beer with. Turns
out he’s also not above partaking in a quality smoke sesh. As modern-day
heroes Harold and Kumar will attest, having a hazy diplomatic discussion of
civil rights and daddy issues is routine for this tortuously funny
administration.
